Psychologist: Asking for Help Is a Strength, Not a Weakness
A psychologist explains why excessive self-reliance backfires and offers practical steps for recognizing when and how to ask for support, from choosing the right person to handling rejection without taking it personally.
Many adults pride themselves on handling everything alone, but a psychologist warns that excessive self-reliance often makes life harder rather than easier. In a new reflection on the subject, the psychologist describes growing up as a parentified child who cared for her mother from a young age until her mother's death seven years ago. The experience pushed her in the opposite direction, toward a fierce preference for doing everything herself. Over time, she learned that stoicism is not always effective, and that asking for help when it is needed is a skill worth practicing.
Humans are social beings designed to be interconnected, the psychologist notes, and no one can go through life alone. Being able to ask for and receive help effectively actually makes people stronger and more independent over time, not weaker. Yet many people resist reaching out for familiar reasons. Some believe they should be able to do everything themselves. Others worry that asking will make them look weak or needy, fear rejection, or feel they are imposing. Some are concerned that accepting help gives another person power or leverage over them, or that it creates a debt they will owe back. The psychologist acknowledges having some of those same distorted thoughts and says the answer is to give oneself grace and compassion, then push through them.
The next step is figuring out what kind of help would actually be useful. The psychologist encourages people to take an inventory of their needs, recognizing that emotionally healthy adults meet many of their own needs themselves, can ask for help with some, and will leave others unmet. Once needs are identified, it becomes easier to spot which ones would benefit from support. A simple example: not wanting to attend an end-of-summer company picnic alone and preferring to bring a plus-one. There is nothing wrong with asking someone to come along, but the request should be strategic.
Choosing the right person matters. The psychologist advises picking a supportive friend rather than the least social one, and asking politely. Body language, posture, tone of voice, and word choice all shape how a request lands. Standing with arms crossed can signal defensiveness, while slumping, shrugging, avoiding eye contact, or pointing a finger does not invite people in. Making demands, threats, or insults, or insisting someone help, is off-putting and reduces the chances of getting support.
The psychologist points to a treatment called Seeking Safety, originally designed for trauma survivors with co-occurring PTSD and substance abuse, as a source of behavioral, cognitive, and people skills with wider applicability. One suggestion is to start small and practice on safe people with simple requests. The odds of getting a ride to a job interview or a doctor's appointment are higher than the odds of asking someone for money to cover this month's rent or the next car payment. Other resources exist as well, including the work of psychologist Donald Meichenbaum, who has written extensively on interpersonal effectiveness, behavioral rehearsal, and problem-solving.
Even with good preparation, a request may be refused. The psychologist says people must be ready for a no and must not take it personally. Most of the time, a refusal is not about the person asking. It may reflect the other person's time management, finances, or resources. Adam Brown, a psychologist and professor at the New School for Social Research who has studied factors contributing to mental-health risks and resilience, reinforced the point. Strong social connections and support are among the most important protective factors when people face stress, adversity, and difficult life circumstances, Brown said. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a form of adaptive coping that strengthens relationships, reduces isolation, and creates opportunities to gain new perspectives, learn from others, and grow.
The psychologist agrees and says she still needs that reminder when old patterns return and she feels she must have all the answers and take care of everyone but herself. The conclusion is simple: everyone deserves support, connection, and help, including the people who are used to giving it.
